Back Home
by xfalloutgirlx
Summary: [Literati oneshot songfic] He's not even sure what he wrote in that first letter. But he keeps writing. He can only hope she reads them.


**Back Home**

**a gilmore girls on-shot by xfalloutgirlx**

**a/n: i have loved literati for years but this is my first fic for them. i was listening to this song by yellowcard and it just made me think of jess. actually alot of the song's from their 'ocean avenue' cd make me think of jess. so...i don't think this fic is so much BASED OFF the song as it is INSPIRED BY it. ummm i might have gotten some of the minor details wrong (like the record and is it philadelphia that jess had moved to, if not, get over it, cuz it is in my mind k?)**

**also this is set after rory's graduation and her rant about how she maybe loved him. he has not shown back up in star's hollow okay?**

**disclaimer: if i owned jess, do you think i would let rory have him? ummm i love rory but no. and the awesome-o song in this fic is 'back home' by yellowcard.**

_**Don't know**_

_**What I was looking for when I went home**_

_**I found me alone**_

_**Sometimes**_

_**I need someone to say, you'll be all right**_

_**What's on your mind?**_

_**But the waters shallow here**_

_**And I am full of fear**_

_**And empty-handed after two long years**_

He doesn't even remember writing that first letter. All he remembers is looking up to find his hand on a mailbox, a letter addressed to the only girl he ever loved in the other. The warm California sun beat down on his back as he stared at it, the sound of the boardwalk miles away. It wasn't so much a conscious decision to let go of the letter. He was only aware that the envelope was slowly slipping from his fingers and that he was doing nothing to stop it. Suddenly skin touched skin and the paper was swallowed by the darkness of the mailbox. The sound of waves and laughter came rushing back to his ears and he looked up, confused.

Though he still can't recall what he wrote in that first note, he writes more. This time knowingly. He writes two letters a week and mails them to her dorm. He's not even sure if she touches them, let alone reads them. He figures if she does even touch them it is probably only to transfer them from her mailbox to the trash. Or to rip them to pieces and burn them.

She cries as she reads the first one. The tears stream down her face and onto her bed sheets. She's not sure if they're sad tears or just angry tears. Almost certainly both. She used to cry because she hated him for leaving. Because he meant more to her than he knew. But now she cries because she realizes she meant more to him than she knew. His letter is so not typical Jess. It's honest and devoid of sarcasm. He explains about his second job, his dad, school, his behavior at that fateful party. And he apologizes. And he tells her he knows she'll never forgive him but he still loves her. She thinks she still loves him.

**_Another sunny day in California_**

**_I'm sure back home they'd love to see it_**

**_But they don't know that what you love is ripped away_**

**_Before you get a chance to feel it_**

His second letter comes on a Saturday. She hasn't gone to Stars Hollow this weekend because her mom is away with Luke at some weekend retreat it took Luke months to agree to. This time she doesn't cry as she reads. She refuses to. In this letter he explains what he's doing now. How he lives with his dad and his new stepmother and stepsister. She smiles a little when he tells her how his stepsister, Lily, reads books while locked in a wardrobe. She smiles more in spite of herself when he tells her that the high school in California will let him graduate if he goes to summer school and for the first semester of the next year. He promises he really will go this time.

He sits in the living room of his new house writing letters as he listens to the sound of pages being turned in the wardrobe next to him. He's on his fourteenth letter, not that he's counting. She still hasn't written back but he keeps on writing anyways. He thinks that the thought of her is the only thing that keeps him going.

She reads his fourteenth letter while she listens to Paris yell at Tana in the common room. This newest letter is mostly about normal things. How school is. How much he hates the perpetual sunshine. But at the end, under his signature, is a hastily scrawled paragraph. It tells about his mom, about his life in New York City. And it makes her cry again. Maybe that's why this time, after she's finished reading, she doesn't just put this letter in the box containing the others. This time she gets up and sits at her desk. After staring at a blank sheet of paper for almost twenty minutes she writes.

_**Back home**_

_**I always thought I wanted so much more**_

_**Now I'm not too sure**_

_**Cause sometimes**_

_**I miss knowing someone's there for me**_

_**And feeling free**_

_**Free to stand beside**_

_**The ocean in moonlight**_

_**And light myself a smoke beneath**_

_**The dark Atlantic sky**_

Keep writing. Love, Rory. It's only four words but he's happier than he's been in awhile. So he keeps writing. He writes about everything. He tells her about Jimmy. About how, though he knows he'll never have a perfect relationship with him, he thinks its good they're spending this time together. He tells her about California. About how it really is just like it is on TV. And how he wished to God it wasn't. He can't stand it. He writes about school. His good grades and his constant boredom in class with kids who take a week to understand the Pythagorean Theorem. And sometimes he decides to tell her about something more. Something that he never tells anyone. Most of the time it's hidden in the words and he's not even sure if she catches it.

She does. She's learned to decipher the messages between his lines long ago. And now she almost wishes she hadn't. Because now she understands. Understands his childhood in New York. Understands his issues. Understands him. More than she ever did before.

She reads his letter about his graduation with a smile and tears. And this time she doesn't just write four words. This time she writes about college, about how she writes for the newspaper. And she sends him her latest story. She tells him about Luke and her mom. About how happy they are. She signs her name and rereads it again and again. Before she mails it she writes another four words at the bottom.

I'm proud of you. He smiles for the first time in ages as he reads the full-length letter again and again. Jimmy asks him why he's acting so weird and his trademark scowl is back in place as he rolls his eyes.

_**Another sunny day in California**_

_**I'm sure back home they'd love to see it**_

_**But they don't know that what you love is ripped away**_

_**Before you get a chance to feel it**_

Jess's fifty-eighth letter is postmarked from New York City. Rory opens it to find he's moved back to the city for a job. He also figures he has some things to work out there. He tells her about his crappy apartment that he lives in with five other people. About how he's been talking to his mom now. The letter is accompanied by a package. She opens it to find a Go-Go's record. Another note is attached that says he's sorry its not signed by Belinda, but he hopes Lorelai likes it anyway.

Their letters continues through Rory's sophomore year of college. By now Luke and Lorelai know and have begrudgingly admitted that the letters are a good thing. Rory dates from time to time, but it never works out. Jess never does, he figures he did enough of that in his early New York years and he concentrates on his future.

Rory is at home for the summer before junior year as she reads of another move. This time he has moved to Philadelphia for a job at a publishing house. Neither of them mention the relatively short distance between them. How with one forty-five minute car ride, they could meet and go home without seriously inconveniencing either of their schedules. Rory just puts the new address on her next letter and tells him she can so picture him in a publishing house.

He tells her not to jump to conclusions, how his new job is about one step up from intern. But that he likes it, and he's happy.

_**Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line**_

_**Tearing lives apart breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time**_

_**And the eyes get red in the back of your head**_

_**This place will make you blind**_

_**Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine**_

Another year passes and she is packing up her dorm for another summer spent in her hometown. Paris crashes into the room raving about the idiots partying upstairs and Rory nearly drops the package that is shoved at her. There is no return address and the best she can figure is that she ordered a book and forgot about it. She takes it to her room and opens it to find she was partially right. It is a book but not one she's ever heard of. The Subsect. Puzzled, she looks around as if her now blank walls will give her the answer. It's when she glances back down at the book that her breath leaves her. Where the author's name is are two words. Jess Mariano. Two words, eleven letters. And its as if she has gone completely brain dead. Slowly, the recognition that Jess has written a book hits her. She picks up the small book and turns it over in her hands. There is no summary on the back or inside cover. No pretentious author picture of Jess standing by a reflecting pool. Just a title and his name. She opens the book and flips through the first few pages. Her breath stops again, along with her as she reads the dedication page. All it says is, I still love you.

She spends the all night reading the book. It doesn't have a clear plot. But it's beautiful. It speaks of love and loss. Of life. And she realizes its about him. And her.

That next morning she gets another letter. It says he's sorry he lied. He never really worked at a publishing house. He just was writing for them. It also says that his book is being published nationally, it got some good reviews from some important people. He says he couldn't care less but apparently the publishers are really happy. It also says they want him to move closer to a bigger branch of their company, so that he can write more. He lists the cities they gave him. Dallas, New York City, Washington DC, Los Angles, Hartford, Atlanta. The name Hartford isn't written any different than the other cities but its as if someone screams it at her. The letter also says he'll be in Hartford for a meeting next week. And that he's going to Stars Hollow on the twenty-second to see Luke for a few days. It says he'd love to see her, but that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

The next week she spends between being excited and being scared out of her mind. She reads the book again and again. Thirty-two times, not that she's counting.

_**Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky**_

_**Sometimes I wish that it would rain here**_

_**And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes**_

_**There's nothing real for them to see here**_

On the twenty-second, he spends the day helping Luke at the diner. The town is slightly nicer to him than usual, considering most of them have heard from Luke about how well he's doing. He doesn't care though. It's all he can do not to run out the door in search of her.

He's wiping down tables alone as he hears the bell above the diner door ring. He opens his mouth to tell the person the diner is closed when he glances up and stops breathing.

She's standing there in the doorway. Looking the same and different all at the same time. Her hair is shorter and she looks older. But she still looks innocent, and he still loves that about her.

Neither is aware of moving but suddenly they both realize they are standing only inches from the other. She smiles a little and he smiles back.

He doesn't move, not wanting to push her. Scare her. But he doesn't have to, because this time, it's Rory that moves in.

She stands on her tiptoes and presses her lips to his, her heart doing flip-flops.

It's only a second before he is kissing her back, one hand coming to rest on her waist, the other tangling in her hair. She smells and tastes just how he remembers. And he wonders how he has gone so long without her.

She bring her arms around him and holds him closer, tears forming behind closed lids. She knows that it's real, what she feels for him. And she knows he's changed.

Not wanting to, both pull away for need of air, but don't let go. Hands stay in place and foreheads come to rest against the other's as they look into eachother's eyes.

"I still love you," he whispers and the words are so packed with emotion it makes her want to cry even more. She knows he's telling the truth, showing her something he's never shown anyone. Trusting her.

And she decides its time to trust him too.

"I still love you," she whispers back.

He gives one of his rare smiles and kisses her again. The world continues it's movements around them but they don't notice. Because for them, this was forever.

_**Another starry night in California**_

_**I'm sure back home they'd love to see it**_

_**But they don't know that what you love is ripped away**_

_**Before you get a chance to feel it**_


End file.
